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I need a hug

May 7th, 2026

Currently, I’m developing a three-day development programme in nature for leaders wanting to improve their relationships and the ways in which they transition through life. In an age of fervent technology use, I believe how we transition between our roles and responsibilities and through periods of time (e.g. day to night, week to weekend) is becoming increasingly important. I also believe nature can guide us with these transitions and in areas where technology still falls short of humans – being capable of the vulnerability needed for trusted relationships. Relationships with others and relationships with our self. I’ve intentionally used relationships in the plural when it comes to the self, as I believe each of us is a ‘poly-person’: we are composed of multiple characters.

The importance I place on relationships, transitions and nature has been influenced by many experiences. However, a recent podcast conversation about a sabbatical I took last year reminded me of a key one: a 10-day silent course.(1) No talking, no technology, no reading or writing materials, no exercise (apart from walking) and no leaving the venue. Instead, a routine which started at 5am and incorporated up to 14 hours of meditation, with the deceptively simple instruction to focus purely on your breath. Although around 150 other people were in attendance, an instruction was given to behave as is if you were alone.

Despite taking all these external distractions away, this was no retreat for my mind. In an example of us being ‘poly-people’, many different ‘Marks’ were expressing their views and wanting to be heard. Here are just a few:

Wee Marky (my inner child)

This poor fellow (who’s pictured) just wanted a hug from a particular person who loved him and whom he loved.

Sparky (my chimp(2))

Sparky couldn’t stand it. It was what he imagined prison, a cult and the army to be like and he has never had a desire to experience any of these.

Free Range Mark (my high sensation seeker(3))

Free Range Mark was bored. He amused himself by creating fantastical daydreams. In one, I was a professional footballer who spoke fluent Basque, gave 97% of his wages to charity, lived in an old people’s home, took the tram to training wearing a blazer and had an altercation with a fellow player (Roy Keane) because he accused me of lacking commitment!

Don’t tell the organisers, but at one point I played a game of how many leaves I could catch from a falling tree in five minutes. I was just so desperate to play.

Berocca Mark (me on a good day)

My best-self was conflicted. As a trainer, I understood why the rules existed and why it was delivered in a particular way, but I had concerns about duty of care. Distractions can be an effective coping strategy and some of our ‘poly people’ can exist in or close to the subconscious. When you remove so many distractions, it can be difficult to predict how these people will react. I heard several people sobbing in the communal meditation hall, suggesting the ‘poly people’ of some were in real distress.

I also felt tension at a values level. A central premise of the course was that it would help participants achieve greater equanimity in relation to their thoughts and feelings, which would allow them to have a more positive impact on society. This appealed to my values of service, quality and relationships. The amount of meditation did not appeal to my value of balance though; nor did the restrictions appeal to my value of fun.

On reflection, some of my difficulties with the course stemmed from the way I transitioned from my ordinary world into ‘course world’. I was certainly more considered in how I transitioned back. Also, I may have been more receptive to the course if my life circumstances at the time had been different.

Whilst many would consider this an extreme experience, my multiple selves are still very active back in my ordinary world and managing them is key to my contentment. Furthermore, how I manage transitions, whether they be time or task related, also have a massive impact on how I perform in my multiple roles of father, partner, son, brother, friend, mentor, trainer and facilitator. Consequently, I’m so looking forward to the prospect of helping others to get to know themselves as ‘poly people’ and manage both their multiple selves and their transitions in life.

(1) To listen to the podcast, click here.

(2) Prof Steve Peters’ work provides context to the ‘chimp’, and an overview can be found by clicking here.

(3) More information on high sensation seeking and high sensitivity can be found by clicking here.

A Week in a Buddhist Monastery: An Exercise in Patience and Forbearance

November 21st, 2023

I first encountered meditation in my mid-twenties. Surprisingly perhaps, it was while working at the international management consultancy firm, McKinsey & Company. I was part of a project which was analysing how the performance of executives was impacted by how they spent their time. With the key caveat that correlation does not always equate to causation, the most striking finding for me was that almost all the top performing executives meditated. Furthermore, they didn’t just meditate before/after work, or at weekends, it was incorporated into their working day.

Work at McKinsey is largely project based, so there is a continual cycle of working with one team, and then moving on to work with another. A year or so into my time at the company, I joined a team which seemed ‘different’. It was calmer. Although work was still conducted at a fast pace, it was more relaxed. Deadlines were still set and met, but the atmosphere was ‘loose’ rather than ‘tight’. It turned out that everyone on the team (apart from me) meditated regularly.

Up until this point, I’d had a very narrow/biased view of meditation. To me it belonged in Buddhist monasteries in Tibet, or to the counter culturalists who wanted to ‘Turn on, tune in and drop out’. Now I was seeing it in the ‘mainstream’, and it appeared a useful aid to performance. So, for the last 20 years or so, I’ve ‘dabbled’ with meditation. In a good week, I may meditate five or six times for around 10 minutes each time. More typically, I manage three to four 10-minute sessions and a smattering of ‘micro-meditations’, where I pay attention to the inhale and exhale of 10 breaths.

I’ve persisted though; in part, because my experience at McKinsey established a belief that mediation aids performance. Given my desire to perform well in various areas of life, I therefore felt it was something I should do. It’s also piqued my curiosity. I find it intriguing that something that appears to be so simple;

‘Just focus on your breath’

can be so difficult to achieve, on account of distractions by thoughts, feelings and other sensations.

Over time, I’ve come to appreciate that there is no such thing as a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ meditation. The very thoughts and feelings that prevent me focusing on my breath are often ones that I’ve been unaware of or have tried to dismiss too soon. Creating the time to meditate allows me to acknowledge my thoughts and feelings and either accept them more fully, or attend to them more constructively. On the rare occasions when prolonged focus on the breath is achieved, I perceive that I’m subsequently calmer and able to think more clearly.

So, with this ‘amateur’ interest in meditation, how did I end up at an intensive, week-long meditation retreat at the Samye Ling Centre (the largest Buddhist monastery in Western Europe, situated in the rural lowlands of Scotland)? Well, old friends will tell you that a personal motto of mine is;

‘If you don’t have a go, you’ll never know.’

Having just gotten over a potentially life changing illness, my (often naïve) enthusiasm for new experiences has been reenergised. Added to this was a growing interest in Buddhism. My perception that it advocates universal compassion on the one hand and emotional non-attachment on the other, interests me in relation to both intimate and professional relationships. I’m also a great believer in the inherent value of immersing yourself in a completely different way of life (even if just for a few days). Doing so invariably broadens my perspective and helps me appreciate what I truly value. If I’m lucky, it can also make me aware of, and then question, truths I’ve (often unconsciously) developed in my ordinary life with respect to ‘how life is’. In terms of the retreat, each day was structured around six 60-90 minute sessions, so 42 sessions in total. The first session on each day started at 5.30am and the last finished at 8.30pm.

The first session felt quite auspicious, around 140 people were assembled in what to me was a very elaborately decorated temple: lots of gold and hundreds of statues of the Buddha. Then our teacher for the week, a purple- and orange-robed lama, who had flown in from Nepal, entered the temple with his translator. Gongs sounded, chants were made and the more ‘serious and knowledgeable’ attendees (of which I was not one) performed a series of prostrations and genuflections. An overview of the week and some very basic rudiments of meditation were then outlined.

Of the remaining 41 sessions, 40 of them basically involved non-directed meditation, or the lama sitting at the front of the temple and (via a translator) telling the assembled that we could NOT learn ‘real’ meditation because;

“you are fixated with happiness and most of you have mental health problems.”

Instead of teaching meditation, he gave what, to me, were very different perspectives on some fundamental human characteristics. For example, in his view;

“Kindness is understanding your stupidity and then showing continual endeavour to reduce it. The general Western approach to kindness is spoiling the individual.”

From my perspective, time was also given over to publicly criticising the monks and nuns of the monastery and hours were spent talking about a yearlong retreat which only a handful of people seemed remotely interested in. Questions could be asked, but they had to be submitted in written form. There was also some sporadic, but very in-depth analysis of (what seemed to me) an obscure Buddhist text.

In short, it was bizarre. People were leaving early and many (including myself) were asking why a meditation retreat had been organised, if it was not considered possible for us to meditate. The need for a translator compounded the frustration, as there could be over 20 minutes of incomprehension before the lama stopped speaking and the translation began.

And then came the 42nd and final session and the lama’s answer to the final question; ‘Can you give some insights into how to meditate?’.

The lama proceeded to introduce the six Buddhist perfections:

1. Generosity.
2. Morality.
3. Patience.
4. Energy.
5. Meditation.
6. Wisdom.

He stated that the order of the perfections was very important. He then proposed that many of us may well have found the week frustrating, because it was uncomfortable sitting for hours and not understanding what was required to meditate. If so, this was good, as this was developing the third perfection of patience. By sticking at it, and returning to the temple, session after session, we had also been developing the fourth perfection, energy, grit, forbearance and perseverance. These are the key precursors for meditation: you can’t hope to meditate without patience and energy. Finally, at the very end, he gave a 10 minute insight into how to meditate and then it was all over! As a trainer and facilitator, I had deep admiration. On the basis that the lama’s approach was intentional, in my view it takes real resolve to try and frustrate 140 people for almost an entire week, in order to illustrate a point.

Was it worth it? Absolutely. Ultimately, it gave me some valuable insights for meditation, which was my primary aim for the week. Like with so many memorable experiences though, the most valuable insights were unexpected. Firstly, it was a privilege to gain a completely different perspective on fundamental issues such as kindness, happiness and suffering. It highlighted that certain ‘truths’ I have are WEIRD: they are based on experiences and research from largely Western, Educated, Industrial, Rich and Democratic countries. Alternatives exist.

Secondly, it provided a valuable reminder that cognitive understanding is not the same as knowledge. Experience and the emotions that come with experience are crucial too. For example, before the retreat, I understood and agreed with the value Buddhism places on accepting unpleasantness. I cognitively accepted that it is often my response to the event (rather than the event itself) that creates the most suffering. When I suffer the most, it’s due to the effort I’m making to resist the way things are, because I want things to be different. However, experiencing almost a week of persistent frustration made me really know this to be true. For me, the author Arnold Bennett summarises it well;

‘There can be no knowledge without emotion. We may be aware of a truth, yet until we have felt its force, it is not ours. To the cognition of the brain must be added the experience of the soul.’

Finally, I valued experiencing a series of dichotomies in relation to my emotions. During the week, I felt: • Pride, hubris and humility • Frustration, boredom and the energy/motivation that comes from gaining insight • Loneliness and connection • Confusion and clarity • Dread and excitement • Resentment and admiration • Sadness and happiness • Guilt and compassion In short, by the end of the week I felt a fuller, more authentic human being. Going forward, it will be interesting to discover the extent to which this fullness can be retained, back in my ordinary, WIERD world.

A Primer on Sleep

August 22nd, 2019

“There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for sleep.”

Homer, The Odyssey

‘A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.’

Irish Proverb

The Impact of Sleep

I’ve been fortunate to interview consistently successful people across an array of specialisms: organisational leaders, scientists, teachers, sports men and women, soldiers, actors and musicians. A practical characteristic they almost all shared was a focus on getting a good night’s sleep.

This finding is increasingly being backed up by scientific research. While there are some well publicised examples of high achievers claiming to need only four or five hours sleep per night, research suggests that the vast majority of us need seven to eight hours of quality sleep.

In her book, The Source, Dr Tara Swart states that:

• A disturbed night’s sleep can reduce your IQ by 5-8 points the next day

While such a reduction is not enough to inhibit your ability to function, it’s unlikely to lead to your best work.

More starkly, Swart highlights research indicating:

• An entire night’s disturbed sleep (e.g. taking an overnight flight) can reduce your IQ to a level akin to being drunk the next day

In addition to IQ, Swart stresses the replenishing/cleaning impact of sleep and its importance in reducing the risk of dementia. A video summarising Tara’s work can be viewed by clicking here.

“I’ve always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed.”

David Benioff, Writer and Director

A lack of sleep can also lower your body’s immune system and start to impact on your mood/what you focus on. An interesting piece of research highlighting the latter, involved a memory test where participants were asked to remember sets of emotionally positive neutral and negative words. Participants who had a poor night’s sleep were able to remember 40% fewer words relative to those who weren’t sleep deprived, but they remembered far more negative words than positive ones. (1)

For me, the result suggests the evolutionary importance of sleep. A lack of it poses a risk to survival and puts our brains on alert for danger, hence the focus on the negative, rather than the positive.

“Sleep is the golden chain that ties health and our bodies together.”

Thomas Dekker, Actor

For all these reasons, sleep is increasingly being prioritised by those wanting to stay resilient and particularly those with management and leadership responsibilities.

How to Get a Good Night’s Sleep

“When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.”

Ursula K. LeGuin, Author

For many, there is no great secret that needs to be discovered in order to get a good night’s sleep. The key is not so much gaining a new understanding to the practice of sleep, but strictly practicing your existing understanding.

Consequently, adhering to the following rules is often enough to get a good night’s sleep:

Challenges

Significant events e.g. having a child, going through a divorce, facing a bereavement, or a particularly stressful period at work can lead to sleep problems; even if you strictly adhere to the above ‘rules’. Generally though, when such events pass, or become manageable, good sleep returns. For an unlucky few though, sleep can remain elusive, even when the above are followed and no major events are being faced. If this is the case, there are four steps I’d suggest taking:

(i) Seek expert medical advice to rule out potential medical conditions

You may have a medical condition e.g. vitamin deficiency or sleep apnoea that is causing your sleep problems.

(ii) Explore whether your mind has become ‘wired’ for a lack of sleep

I’ve known people who have gone through such a long and sustained period of stress, that sleeplessness has become a habit and they have convinced themselves that they are a ‘bad sleeper’. In addition to the above ‘rules’, such people have often found that relaxation exercises, mindfulness or neurolinguistics programming (NLP) techniques have also been required. In severe cases, where trauma has occurred, exploring therapy and counselling options has also been required to bring about change.

An increasingly common issue I see in my coaching and mentoring work is that the gap between one particularly stressful period at work and the next is becoming shorter and shorter, until work is consistently very stressful. Unless the person’s perspective to stress can change, the harsh reality is often that either the workload needs to change, or the person needs to change jobs.

(iii) Investigate whether your body needs realigned

Sometimes, there’s a physical explanation for poor sleep. For example, if your pelvis, back, shoulder or neck is slightly out of alignment, then lying for long periods can readily become uncomfortable, no matter how good your mattress. Such discomfort leads to you waking up, without always being consciously aware of the discomfort and thus able to connect it with your sleep problems. An initial consultation with an osteopath should identify whether such an issue exists and subsequent treatment can readily realign your body so no discomfort arises during sleep.

Many who solve their sleep problems at this point can often trace back the beginning of their sleep problems to an accident or injury (e.g. a car crash, sport injury). However, this is not always the case.

(iv) You may be part of a special minority

If none of the above apply to you and you are not suffering from having less than six hours sleep a night on a consistent basis, then you could be one of the small minority of people who don’t require as much as everyone else. In which case, don’t worry about and use your extra time wisely!

“If you can’t sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It’s the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep.”

Dale Carnegie, Writer and Consultant

A Note on Gender, Aging and Sleep

The menopause for women and an ever increasing prostate in men can lead to sleep problems as both genders age. Although medication exists to tackle some of the symptoms of both conditions, efficacy can be mixed and these areas would appear under-researched.

Further Reading and Viewing

In addition to exploring Tara Swart’s video and book which is listed above, the following research may be of interest:

The Work of Satchidananda Panda and The Salk Institute

• https://www.salk.edu/scientist/satchidananda-panda/
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrP78K1objc

The Work of Michael Breus

• https://thepowerofwhenquiz.com/

The above links give heavy reference to circadian rhythms, which is the natural, internal process that regulates the sleep-wake cycle and repeats roughly every 24 hours. Panda’s work looks at the interplay between sleep, diet and exercise, while Breus’ research is an update on the view that some of us are ‘larks’ i.e. morning people, while others are ‘owls’ i.e. are most active in the evening. Respecting the circadian rhythm, recognising our specific preferences and adjusting our routine accordingly (when you can), often proves another important step in improving our relationship with sleep.

Sleep tight!

(1) Walker, The Role of Sleep in Cognition and Emotion, Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1156, 2009

Prioritising Perspective in Tough Times

November 20th, 2018

Balance is a word that comes up a lot in mch training. This is because mch’s training aims to improve performance and I have found that a common trait of the consistently successful is that their lives are relatively well balanced across a variety of areas. Balance is particularly relevant in mch’s resilience training, which is an increasingly popular training topic. The resilient are invariably able to balance a number of complementary traits, e.g. they are reflective while also being very able to stay in the present. They focus on quality thinking and also readily tap into their emotions. They have high aspirations whilst being content with ‘enough’.

It is important to note that applying such traits does not immunise you from adversity. There can still be tumultuous times when nothing appears stable and despite your best efforts, life does not seem balanced.

After a recent run, the act of stretching provided an apt analogy, not only for the struggle for balance in tough times, but also for how best we can meet the challenge. Have a look at the following video:

As someone who normally has good balance, I was struck by how difficult it was to do so in this position. Nothing seemed stable or still: the sand was moving from under my foot and the sea was moving around my ankles. Looking out, the boats were continually bobbing up and down and even when I tried to focus on the horizon, it was usurped by the continually moving clouds just above it.

In an analogous way, there have been times in my life when it seems that nothing is stable and nothing can be relied upon.

However, take a look at the next video:

I am in exactly the same spot on the beach. The only difference is that I have turned 180 degrees and am now facing the shore. Doing so has allowed me to focus on a rock above the tide line, and it is now much easier for me to maintain balance. There is now stability in my field of vision, even though the world around me is exactly as before, and I am still impacted by many of the same issues e.g. moving sand under my foot and moving water around my ankles.

So the message here is that in tough times, prioritise perspective. Where you focus your attention is key. Even in tough times, if you position yourself wisely and are disciplined about where you direct your attention, you will hopefully find at least one ‘touch stone’. For me, a ‘touch stone’ is anything that provides stability when so many other areas of life are in flux, or under strain. Common ‘touch stones’ are particular people (a friend, partner, family member), an activity you find enriching, or simply a reminder of some fundamental realities, e.g. I am healthy. I live in safety. I have enough food to eat. Sometimes, the reason for one’s difficulties is that something, or someone, that you considered a ‘touch stone’, is now in flux. However, in my experience, it is very unlikely that all your personal ‘touch stones’ will simultaneously become unstable.

So in tough times, prioritise perspective, know your ‘touch stones’ and focus on the ones that restore as much balance as possible.