Blog

I need a hug

May 7th, 2026

Currently, I’m developing a three-day development programme in nature for leaders wanting to improve their relationships and the ways in which they transition through life. In an age of fervent technology use, I believe how we transition between our roles and responsibilities and through periods of time (e.g. day to night, week to weekend) is becoming increasingly important. I also believe nature can guide us with these transitions and in areas where technology still falls short of humans – being capable of the vulnerability needed for trusted relationships. Relationships with others and relationships with our self. I’ve intentionally used relationships in the plural when it comes to the self, as I believe each of us is a ‘poly-person’: we are composed of multiple characters.

The importance I place on relationships, transitions and nature has been influenced by many experiences. However, a recent podcast conversation about a sabbatical I took last year reminded me of a key one: a 10-day silent course.(1) No talking, no technology, no reading or writing materials, no exercise (apart from walking) and no leaving the venue. Instead, a routine which started at 5am and incorporated up to 14 hours of meditation, with the deceptively simple instruction to focus purely on your breath. Although around 150 other people were in attendance, an instruction was given to behave as is if you were alone.

Despite taking all these external distractions away, this was no retreat for my mind. In an example of us being ‘poly-people’, many different ‘Marks’ were expressing their views and wanting to be heard. Here are just a few:

Wee Marky (my inner child)

This poor fellow (who’s pictured) just wanted a hug from a particular person who loved him and whom he loved.

Sparky (my chimp(2))

Sparky couldn’t stand it. It was what he imagined prison, a cult and the army to be like and he has never had a desire to experience any of these.

Free Range Mark (my high sensation seeker(3))

Free Range Mark was bored. He amused himself by creating fantastical daydreams. In one, I was a professional footballer who spoke fluent Basque, gave 97% of his wages to charity, lived in an old people’s home, took the tram to training wearing a blazer and had an altercation with a fellow player (Roy Keane) because he accused me of lacking commitment!

Don’t tell the organisers, but at one point I played a game of how many leaves I could catch from a falling tree in five minutes. I was just so desperate to play.

Berocca Mark (me on a good day)

My best-self was conflicted. As a trainer, I understood why the rules existed and why it was delivered in a particular way, but I had concerns about duty of care. Distractions can be an effective coping strategy and some of our ‘poly people’ can exist in or close to the subconscious. When you remove so many distractions, it can be difficult to predict how these people will react. I heard several people sobbing in the communal meditation hall, suggesting the ‘poly people’ of some were in real distress.

I also felt tension at a values level. A central premise of the course was that it would help participants achieve greater equanimity in relation to their thoughts and feelings, which would allow them to have a more positive impact on society. This appealed to my values of service, quality and relationships. The amount of meditation did not appeal to my value of balance though; nor did the restrictions appeal to my value of fun.

On reflection, some of my difficulties with the course stemmed from the way I transitioned from my ordinary world into ‘course world’. I was certainly more considered in how I transitioned back. Also, I may have been more receptive to the course if my life circumstances at the time had been different.

Whilst many would consider this an extreme experience, my multiple selves are still very active back in my ordinary world and managing them is key to my contentment. Furthermore, how I manage transitions, whether they be time or task related, also have a massive impact on how I perform in my multiple roles of father, partner, son, brother, friend, mentor, trainer and facilitator. Consequently, I’m so looking forward to the prospect of helping others to get to know themselves as ‘poly people’ and manage both their multiple selves and their transitions in life.

(1) To listen to the podcast, click here.

(2) Prof Steve Peters’ work provides context to the ‘chimp’, and an overview can be found by clicking here.

(3) More information on high sensation seeking and high sensitivity can be found by clicking here.